- now listening to ‘Today Is My Birthday’ by Berryz Koubou –
Today, the music is rather contradicting to what happened in actual events. The day is currently Saturday 26th of August but this entry will feature a written entry chronicled on Tuesday the 22nd.
22nd :
I sit and write this entry, awaiting as time slowly ticks away. Tis a hot evening, with an occasional breeze blowing now and then.
As I write I’m sitting outside my uncle’s house in Johor.
The songs of prayer chants play as I await the person who’s going to conduct the funeral. Yes, one of my relatives just passed away yesterday (21st).
It was more a surreal moment actually. Time seemed to stop yesterday when I received the call through my cell phone regarding the news. It wasn’t so much as me suddenly missing my relative but instead realising my mortality.
- now listening to ‘Fighting Pose Wa Date Janai (instrumental)’ by Berryz Koubou and ‘Love To See You Cry’ by Enrique Iglesias –
And it felt surreal seeing how everyone else in the lab was going around with their business as if nothing happened, just like it was another ordinary day. I didn’t tell them of course, but instead, tried to imagine being in their shoes and someone else in mine. And it was indeed really bizarre and surreal.
Imagine walking down the street and the very person you passed by just had his / her relative pass away or something disastrous just happened. Perhaps tis nothing really, but it did hit me with the bullet of surrealism.
And also, hearing such news, I never felt more mortal in my life. As if this fragile bag of flesh and bone can wither away anytime. Not that I’m constantly afraid of death. Death to me is a rest from so much mortal hardships and suffering. But I only want to go when I’m in the mood for it. Lol.
Sound funny no? But yeah. No one wants to suddenly go when they don’t want to now do they? Lol.
- now listening to ‘Zanarkand Blitzball Theme’ by Rammstein from FF10 OST –
Well, I mean in the sense that I do have moments when I get so tired of life that rest feels good. Of course I ain’t suicidal. Just that at that moment, a rest feels really good.
I dun do suicides so no worries. Lol. I still wanna die in my sleep, a peaceful departure u know? Lol.
Back to today. You know, now as I think bout it, I think I had many close encounters with death in my past before. I used to have asthma and I now recall actually lying in my bed, suffocating from short of breath.
I now remember thinking that I was indeed going to die cos it felt my chest being gripped by some damn invisible hand. Even my tubuhalers (inhalers shaped like tubes) didn’t do anything. It just felt that tight chest feeling even after taking several puffs.
But for some reason I tried to prevail with that lil amount of air and here I am today. With no need of inhalers anymore. Tis like I overcame asthma. Asthma was like a mortal virus to me. No cure but to prevail through it. Come to think of it, I now feel the breath going through my nose, and realise that we take breath for granted. I feel more alive.
- now listening to ‘Bardig’ by Lab 4 –
I never found this event something to be sad about. It was more of an awakening. To me, my philosophy is that people come and people go. Death is inevitable, a definite a facet of life one goes through, an element coupled with birth.
Sometimes I did wonder why people are so afraid of death. I mean, death as in general. Death as a whole. Let’s not get into details, details being how the death occurred but instead death itself.
Tis rest for me…
Perhaps tis the pain? Perhaps tis the fear of letting go of so many things?
Hmmm…there’re so many reasons but only one ultimate truth. Death is death. But tis rest I believe.
I never viewed it as a bad thing actually. What’s bad bout rest when the time to rest comes to you? The only wish I have though is that it be as peaceful a departure as possible, a sleep departure?
But you know, my sis did ask me before how I would wanna go.
My answer was simple as I thought of Chinami. Well, I have this dream of marrying someone like Chinami or better yet, Chinami herself, as long as she is indeed who she is portrayed in the media.
If I were to go first, I’d do my best to stay alive, stay alive until it was my wife’s time to go. Then I’ll let go together with her as we lie in bed during our final days.
If she were to go first, then when my time comes I’ll let go as well. Basically I won’t leave her alone. This goes for me kids if I were to have any. I won’t leave them alone until they are able to stand on their own and have partners.
- now listening to ‘Zanarkand Ruins’ from FF10 OST –
Well neways, as of current moment I’m sorta free. The final assignment has been handed up and I’m finally officially on holiday. Sadly though, the holiday is shortened for this term so next week is one more week of holiday. Sheez. -_-“
Currently I’m letting my work computer render for a friend of mine. He needed me help and I’m more than willing to help. Just awaiting for it to complete.
Spent the day today playing DoTA games with him.
Hmmm, I’m hoping I’m able to come up with some designs for him as well, and perhaps some animation practices.
And oh yes, still gotta do wallpapers, especially a Chinami one. Perhaps some banners as well and a sig. Lol.
I do have my hands full after all. XD
And my Saki story put on hiatus…don’t know where to restart it up. Perhaps to rewrite a new one since I wrote the fanfic back then based on limited information of her. As of late, after watching their DVD Mags, talks, PV’s and such, I’ve got more info to work on.
I did realise after all how shallow the story flow was. More research needed.
- now listening to the ‘Belle of Atlantis’ by Solar Quest and ‘Warrachaou Yo Boyfriend’ by Berryz Koubou –
You know, a question popped up into my mind. Oh btw, can’t help thinking of Chinami’s face in Warrachaou Yo Boyfriend. She’s so adorably cute…God, heartmelting.
Neways… XD
A question popped into my mind. Tis said that when you die, you see a light. Head towards that light (don’t mind me, the funeral brought up this question to mind). Some people get left behind because they didn’t go towards the light.
My father told me that and he got that from spiritual guidebooks. I asked him why some people then get left behind and become wandering spirits. I mean, that’s a light that I’m sure you can’t miss at all. So why not go to it?
My dad said those who didn’t go are those who didn’t know what significance that light had and was. Lack of knowledge and ignorance the cause…
Hmmm. Perhaps so. But I did have some theories as well.
Perhaps they were afraid if it…as a result of ignorance. They prolly thought it was a light of harm?
Or perhaps they had unfinished business or were really reluctant to leave behind something, that being quite a common case you hear and watch on the movie screens.
What do you think? What is your take on it?
But hmmm. I picture myself a floating soul, and I can see a bright light. And I try to imagine having the chains of things left behind. Can I really turn my back to it and head towards the light?
- now listening to ‘Chokkan Ji Toshite Koi Wa’ by Morning Musume ‘Koi Ing’ by Morning Musume -
Man, I try to imagine trying to go forward, and my heart is being tugged for it wouldn’t let go of that which I have to leave behind in the mortal realm. And yet, heaven has it all.
You know, come to think of it, why indeed can’t we let go? I mean, the light leads us to heaven. And heaven has everything we could ever want and more. So why can’t we leave behind one small element in comparison to the infinite elements including that one element we’re leaving behind found in heaven?
One thought that crossed my mind was faith and belief. One couldn’t leave behind something that was tangible, or was tangible when he/she was alive. One couldn’t leave behind something that they have already touched because they know that it is indeed there and they had experienced it. I guess they are unsure and have doubts if heaven could truly give them what they were going to leave behind. Or perhaps they couldn’t trust heaven since it was something they never experienced in their living mortal life and perhaps they think tis just a story made up by their individual religions to keep them practicing and following that religion. Death is quite a big change in one’s life, even bigger than marriage and such. You tend to question a lot at that moment. After all, such an event is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that has no turning back (unless you are indeed given a 2nd chance or more in life) and an eye opener…
- now listening to ‘Wakkanai Z’ by C-ute and ‘When You’re Looking Like That’ by Westlife -
Or perhaps tis just the feeling of not wanting to release one’s grip on the fruits of one’s labour? Perhaps he/she feels that the object or subject left behind is one gained through so much hard work and effort it’ll be a waste to let it go.
My cousin who’s married said it was too soon for my relative to leave. So perhaps tis time as well that can be added to the list of reasons. Too soon, too early, too fast, too sudden. Too many things planned for the future, too many things wanting to be done.
Not wanting to leave someone is quite a common reason. Although I had this theory that one needn’t worry or be sad bout departures and I’m meaning the one who’s deceased. I have this belief that heaven is eternal, and time has no permission to play in that realm, thus one goes to heaven and what takes years in the mortal realm is only a second in heaven. Reunion will happen so fast one wouldn’t even know it. That’s my theory of course.
- now listening to ‘As For One Day’ by Morning Musume and ‘Hajimete Kuchibiru Wo Kasaneta Kare’ by Risako Sugaya -
Well, my entry ends here for today. I apologise for bringing up talks of death and goodbyes. It was just that many theories filled my mind from the recent events that I couldn’t help speaking em out.
Neways, may all have happiness always.
I am though, in heaven at the moment as I listen to the angelic voice of Risako Sugaya. Floating down the river of dreams and all things gentle to the heart.
Neways, ja ne.
