- Enemy Territory (Original Mix) by C-Quence Pres Assure -

Currently it is 1.40-ish and 1.30-ish on my workplace's computer. Yups. I'm currently in a studio working. Whee! XD

It has been a while since I last updated. Just how much time gets into the crevices of my life and fills in the gaps of it. Before you know it, suddenly so much time has passed since the last post.

Life has been a helluva bz as of late. My final project has officiallly been done. Now it is just a matter of waiting for the screening period.

Looking back I get a slight shock as I realised just how long it took to actually get it done. I believe it took my batch nearly 1 year to get it completed. How time flies.

- now listening to the songs of AKB48 -

A word of note to all out there who don't know about animation. Animation ain't a walk in the park. It requires alotta time and manpower. My team was a team of 4 cum 3 working on a 10 minute short film. It took us 1 year, from pre production to post production to get it completed. And even then it ain't exactly pass a TV series standard. So here's a hard factoid for those who don't know.

Well, I bring this up cos of how many ppl wave the phrase "just animate it" around so freely. Sometimes I get an animation request that seems highly amusing or just plain out of the question. First things first : funding, time and manpower.

A Maya license goes by the K's. And that's just one license for computer. So you can imagine the budget that is needed for making an animated feature.

Well, that slight rant aside, I've started working. It's interesting how I got here actually.

I have a few colleagues here who I talk to rather well with, 2 of whom have pretty good deep philosophies in life. We usually talk about life. one of them spoke of how there's more to life than money. Life to her, is all about relationships with people. It isn't about making money as it is about the ties and connections we have with people we mix and interact with.

I did state that in the end, as we lie to rest in the grave, we can't bring the money or material possessions with us. But the impressions and impacts we leave on the lives of others will carry on. Your name lives on even after you've left. That is immortality indeed.

But anyways, back to how I got here. Relationships with people indeed did bless me with this position I am in. I got the direction from a junior of mine who just offered a freelance opportunity. An interview and well, here I am.

It is amazing indeed how connections can branch out so far and wide. Indeed no man is an island. Without the help of others life is quite hard. We are all connected to each other, one way or another, directly or indirectly and whether we like it or not. XD

- now listening to the songs of Kanjani8 -

Well, the studio I'm currently in is quite a nice environment. To say that it is a pure animation studio, or editing studio, or advertising and whatever not is to wrongly label it. Basically this studio, at best I would describe it, is a creative studio. As in a studio that has the essence of creativity. We're talking ideas, concepts and all things self expression. Of course the studio does industry works to support itself but aside from that it's aims are purely that or artistry. Qutie an interesting studio, being that it is so hard to find a studio such as this in this region. Either that or my scope of the industry is at best pin-point minimalisitc.

Well, I'm only a week old worker here. So slow and steady does it I guess. Still trying to let the feel of the studio enter into my system. Currently as a pet project for the studio, while absorbing and getting the feel of the essence of the studio I'm designing a character that represents it. Still in the rough stages of it.

That aside, family is okay, life goes on.

Time spent with a special someone has made life more brighter. ^_^

Altho I must say there're times when I don't get her, nor do I understand the way her crazy mind works. She's whack in that sense. >_>"

She's made out of randomnity I must say. Like she was born from that concept itself or something man. Her mind I tell you... =.="

But she brings smiles and laughs to my life. Although I must say she sometimes gets insecured easily so I'm trying to help her up her confidence. She's has so much she deserves and that I believe. =)

Altho the way she treats her family and me remains to be questioned. She treats me okay. But the way she treats her family is so different, as different as how black and white are. But then again, her family interactions are quite different and interesting in itself. Tis like she's the way she is cause of how her family interacts with each other. No child is a tainted piece of paper. All children start white and ended up dirty due to influences by people who want to shed off their negative influences and say that such deeds / actions are justified by their daily sufferings.

- now listening to "Let's Get Together" by Voices of Japan and Korea -

But that aside she's still special and a better person than worse. Nobody's perfect definitely. But I think she's special in her own way. Even under all that upbringing and such she's the shining bright person among her family members. ^_^

Currently during free times I'm playing RO. Although awaiting the arrival of Starcraft 2.

All you gamers (well if not all then a majority of em) out there should know that feeling. The long awaited game arriving. Damn man! Watching the in-game demo drives me nuts with anticipation. I just wonder I have time to play tho. T.T

Ha ha. Perhaps I would. =P

Hopefully. XD

Well, anyways, my entry ends here for now. May all be happy always and find their light in their paths. =)

- now listening to "Nicchouku ~Geinoujin no Kaiwa~" by Berryz Koubou -

Nothing like a stroll down memory lane. The songs of BK during their much early days. Now they've currently released their what? 13th Single?

Strange title too... "Very Beauty"...

Japanese and their english... -_-"

But tis a good tune, with good vibes, nostalgic tones and beautiful setting.

Neways, tis been a while since an update on this realm of thoughts. How's life?

I smile as I type that line. "How's life?". Tis a line spoken by a very interesting special someone to me. A sort of ice breaker line if you will, but it does nothing but actually bring about more silence as a byproduct of speechlessness.

Well, currently my team is still working on our final project. As of now, the basic modelling stages has been completed. Texturing and rigging as well. Now on to 3D laicar and some additional modelling and texturing.

Kinda behind schedule so we're picking up speed as much as possible. Voice recording has been done too thankfully.

Hopefully we can present sumthing soon.

Currently working on the intro props. Speaking of which gotta get ready my presentation. Hope it doesn't slip my mind. >.<"

- now listening to "Dream Of The Shore" from Chrono Cross OST -

I dream indeed of what path be illuminated to walk upon.

Ever had this feeling where you wanted to achieve something so bad in your lifetime? And when you actually did achieve you realise you do not know what to do next?

I'm currently in the situation right now? Is this called a mid life crisis? I'm not sure actually.

But at the current moment, I'm wondering what to do...

I've sort of achieved what I was looking for. Now wondering instead what to do indeed.

The strange thing is that this mind of mine has been going on a slow movement. It seems that the world around me goes at a strange different rate from what I had experienced before in my life.

Tis as if the clocks have all gone wrong beyond this immediate realm that my body perceives. The clock ticks here for my body but another clock ticks for the car next to me, and another for the workflow, and another for the person walking on the street and etc.

Tis like the flows of time clash and yet through all this chaos, converges to create balance. Stability within instability.

- now listening to "Cherish" by Ai Otsuka -

To cherish the time one has...but yet, time is like the sand, slipping through my very fingers.

It seems like the world is spinning much faster than usual. The day passes by quickly. I wake up and before I know it, night has come and a new day beckons.

Tis scary because down the path upon which I tread I see the entity of uncertaintity, hungry, unrelenting and waiting to consume me.

And time going fast is bringing that entity so much more closer to me. What scares me is how huge this entity is. I can only stare at awe.

They say to penetrate its shield one needs the dagger / sword / spear or whatever offensive weapon of knowledge and confidence.

I hope to gain hold of such an arsenal.

Fickle...my mind screams that as well. My thoughts wonder way too much. I'm afraid I might actually get lost in thought. It scares me sometime.

Tis like the only relief of such is the time my body and soul remains in a moment, a focused moment. Doing something.

Man, I've gotta clear my head of the many things to do. Sheez. Got so many things to do and so little time. >_>" Damn...

Time management...so nice if one does not have to make a sacrifice to do something.

- now listening to "Carrying You" from Castle In The Sky OST -

Sometimes I wonder. There's a saying that maturity is a state where one can see priorities and make the required sacrifices. I wonder though whether is there really a state where sacrifices do not have to be made.

It seems even the abstract has come into play in the cycle of life and death we mortals are doomed to be in.

Sacrifice - think not of the object of sacrifice, but the very idea and concept itself behind the action. All things that live will die. Birth and death are next to each other, separated only by lifespan.

So how is it that a concept, the idea behind an act comes into play. It isn't even living at all, just an intangible idea. And yet it plays in the court of the living. Mingling among the players of living flesh and bone and electrical signals - unknown to us and yet governing us and affecting us.

Oh well. Neways, back to the material world. The realm of ideas is a world not many tread upon. Many can't hold on to things intangible, things that can only be grasped by the hands of imagination and grips of thought and ponderment.

Neways, morning classes are a killer. But oh well, a sensible person leads the class, and she gives the class an open window of 1 hour for student arrivals. She knows of traffic jams (a problem that seems to have increased by tenfold) in the morning. Hurrah for her.

Can't say much for my sis tho. Her world isn't so friendly and dare I say it? Sensible.

A difference between our line of studies indeed.

And the weather. Has God been in quite a wrath of a mood? Cos I swear he's looking down on us with quite the glare.

The sun has shone upon the land which I stand on with heat unbearable these months. God, everything gets toasted alive. You put an egg on the road and it sizzles. Put me in there and I get volatile. Heat isn't my best friend.

Well, speaking of which, I wanna apologise to a certain someone for blowing off over something so small the other day. The weather was hot so I was on wire-trigger mode. Gomene...

On another note, some people still don't learn their lessons. They go off in the illusion that they are correct, that others don't see the fault in them. Well, I don't blame that person. Not when I'm one only victim. Here's a tip though for the not so educated. You once spoke of why people can't take what you say, or don't bother listening to you. Ever considered reflecting back on that? Perhaps then you will realise why people you meet now and are bound to meet react in such a way.

Look into the problem man. Don't live the illusion and turn your head the other way thinking you ain't wrong. I guess I'm being a nice guy pointing out the source of the problem. But oh well, some people can't listen so I can't do much.

The shroud of spoiltness has clouded your judgement and sight I guess.

- now listening to "Lake Derravaragh" by Dagda -

You know, I think back and wonder. Was I really like that as well at one point in time? Damn!

How is it that one walks the path and finally realises to lift the shroud that covers their eyes? How does such an evolution change? How does one finally realise how to fit into the jigsaw puzzle of society? To know where one stands in the social hierarchy?

I can't explain much how such a phenomenon happens. I'm not saying I'm an expert at fitting into the world so snugly like a hand into a glove. But I do notice as I compare myself with socially inept people - of those who do not know where they stand and such - I can only look back and describe the experience as a "snap" moment.

One moment you're a social inept person, wondering how cool it is to be in the 'in-group' or to know how to break the ice naturally or be the center of attention or just speak up with no fear of being looked down upon. And the next, you're a person who looking back can't believe you were once a person who hid in the corner of the social square, hidden by the shadows of the ones in the middle of the square known as the 'center of attention' people.

Of course, there're people way above my current level. So much charisma and confidence they stride like royalty outside the golden bloodline, making heads turn, every word uttered by them a subliminal message and command that enters the head and convinces and produces followers.

Leaders...the ones who look ahead while others look up at them.

Oh well, I guess one just has to sit back and wait for the right time. Destiny and fate, all interlinked with cause and effect and karma, will decide the right time for it to come out. No use pushing it or forcing it cos you will end up making a blunder out of it.

I know of one who did. Dood, coloured hair and a new hairstyle does jack crap if you can't talk the talk or walk the walk. You gotta live what you look my dear fren. The outside enhancements are the confidence boosters and 'feel good' potions and elixirs. Tis the inside, the engine that drives you and the element that expels the charismatic aura.

Upkeep of your image my fren. What happened to your hair? Your new look resolution? You had the confidence there! But your true inner self swallowed it up and spat it out looking horrible and bad. And now you've sunken back to your old ways of being the reclusive hermit.

Not that tis bad. But when you wonder why other people can talk to people and you can't...that's the magic behind it my fren. There's I spoon-fed it to you on a platter. Nice spoon too. And my hand that fed you you bit. Sighs...

Oh well, what can I say? Only time will tell.

One can't rush or one's destiny will end prematurely. A phrase I learnt from the movie Stormriders.

- now listening to "Today Is My Birthday" by Berryz Koubou -

Birthdays and new years. A fresh new beginning or a new phase.

Well, speaking of new, new years day of 2007 was okay I guess. Fireworks and a live performance by Rash Monoo (hope tis spelled right) aside, it was okay. A holiday inevitable but tis okay except for 1 thing though.

Well, not exactly happening on the actual new years day but during the later day where the vibe is still there. Two hearts become one. Nuff said. >D

Fast forward, Chinese New Year was interesting. Abundance in CNY funds has allowed me the possession of a new cellphone, a good upgrade from me old Nokia 8210. I now have the Motorazr V3i. Woo pee. Tis not much if compared to its more hi-tech Sony Ericsson or user-friendly Nokia but tis still a beautiful up from an 8210. So I am much satisfied. X3

And well, 2 month anniversary. The journey so far has had quite a few turns here and there. Many things to learn and many things to get used to.

So many factors and parties coming into play, well, on her side neways. I seem to not have much pressure on my side. =P

Tis so nice to float in a realm where there's just two souls. A private time and moment where no1 beyond the borders of our world can interfere. Just the two of us. Sighs...

I love moments like those. Just the two of us. No one else. No middle meddlings. A place where the both of us can be ourselves, true to ourselves. The way we were that drew us both together, that raw pure energy and essence that bound us together in the first place.

But oh well, I guess tis all part of the game. You gotta play by the rules I guess.

But there's this beauty when we're both alone together. A silent knowledge of connection and contentment and fulfillment.

When I see her smile, her happiness...when we both talk bout things together, joking with each other. A beauty indeed...

Oh well. I won't say anymore. There's much work to be done to reach such a state. A lot of patience and give and take. Quarrels and fights and making up. Understanding and sacrifices. I'm still walking the path. I pray everyday for our happiness and I hope as well for all of you out there. =)

Well, neways, my entry ends here. May all be happy always. =)

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- now listening to 'Agony' by Kotoko -

2 something in the am. A day for all things random so erm...no straight roads here or direct paths. Tis a criss cross of many things that come to mind.

Well, I just finished a project that was due and currently is starting to work on a script for a presentation on Wednesday.

The song does suit the mood as of the moment. I do feel agony.

Tis strange really...

I finished a tough assignment. But for some reason I feel empty...

There're so many thoughts swimming in my mind. For the time being there's this mad swirl of emotions going around in me.

I've taken a new path, walking in a new direction. A must need. Any longer down the old path and it would have led me to my doom. I feel this new path just saved my life by a 100 fold.

I feel free and at the same time like there's something missing.

Maybe it's a question of the heart. Hmmm...

I would put up what the heart has to say, that it tells me it's confused and yearning...but at the same time, there's a secrecy issue I'm telling myself. For the moment that is.

To chase a dream of little hope of being realised...or to chase the reality and throw the dream away?

Ever been in that situation? Kinda sucks...choices...

- now listening to 'For Fruits Basket' from Fruits Basket OST -

Ever felt like you are a burden to others? That you are falling behind a train you know you can't catch and you're slowly losing out?

For the many weeks that have passed I've seen and saw where I stood, where I belong...

I see others around me and how far they have gone. I've always wondered with so much amazement how is it that these ppl can get to where they are with the snap of a finger.

I tried to walk their walk, talk their talk...but nothing beats the original.

I dunno, perhaps I'm a slow learner. Things tend to go into my head once and it requires a reboot and reinsertion to get more ingrained and placed in my memory.

I've always had this belief that I shud take my time on my journey of education. To slowly absorb at my rate. But the environment really does push you. It's a pace much faster than I can catch up to. Too too fast for me.

I'm lacking the fires of motivation to run the engine in me.

How is it that everyone gets that flame burning and keeping them going? It's amazing really! Su goi no ne!

There have been on many occasions, questions popping in my head, bringing me to face the sentences :

"Is this really what I'm going to live with? Am I really doing the right thing?"

I feel lost at times, and the future's uncertainty never became so much more real. Like a block of hard cold ice I get smacked by it time and again.

- now listening to 'Souda! We're Alive!' by Morning Musume -

I just had a class today and I got exposed to the School of Athens, or a little bit of it.

To live in a time such as that where I can live up to what I love to do best. Ponder and ask questions about existance and philosophy.

Time's have changed. I feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Or am I? Am I instead at the right place at the right time? That my purpose is to change the world? Me contributing as a little piece to move the corks of fate and destiny to turn and spin the earth in a slightly different direction, that with the help of time, events will happen in way of chain reactions that will lead to a huge revolution?

Makes you wonder now as I sit and think about it. Indeed facinating.

We are all small pieces of a jigsaw puzzle gone scrambled, and the pieces are slowly falling into place, really slowly but surely.

Or maybe I'm just imagining things?

- now listening to 'Uwaki no Honey Pie' by H!P All Stars -

Tis now 3.30 in the am the next morning lol. Postponed entries...

Oh well, was busy with work so yeah, had to do it. =P

As of the current moment a question was brought up :

Commercial art versus personal art.

Following many discussions past, present and perhaps future indefinitely, commercial art is like the bane of the artist universe.

Rush, standards, controlled will, borders, rules...

So many restrictions, that which kills the inner artist in everyone. >_<"

Well, one could look at it two ways of course. One is the killer, the other is the challenge. Perhaps those at the top have the latter mindset, putting it as a challenge to come up with something outside the box even though bound by it.

Tis like breaking out of prison. You're caged but you're thinking beyond the walls.

Personal art is beautiful on the other hand. When I say personal art I mean art that you produce with no rules and whatsoever. Freedom of style, doing your own thing at your own pace. No datelines or scary bosses or orders...just you and you doing your thing.

But no mullah as well, unless you're an illustrator turned big. And even then you have to make yourself known by making your name within the industry first. Either that or you get lucky meeting the right people and getting into the right channels that raise your name. Or your style appeals and conquers quite a big piece of the pie chart of art audiences.

A debate that has been going on and the debate that has left me questioning many things including whether I made the right choice or not.

- now listening to 'Roman' by Romans -

Just posted up a rant on my DA account. I hafta say that it was weighing at the back of me mind whether I should post it up or not. But now that I've done it I feel satisfied.
Like this burden let out.

Well, I'm not one to be so mean to say such words, but when you have someone like that person bugging you, it does give you the the motivation to say something.

People have limits. Don't overstep them.

Well, neways, I think my random thoughts will end here for now. Gawd knows why I jes felt like spilling my thoughts.

I usually don't do something so jumbled up as this. Oh well. Till next time when everything's more ordered. =P


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- now listening Ai no Imi Wo Oshiete! by W -

Tis 5 in the evening after a wake up and 2 DoTA games later. Lol.

Hmmm. Yesterday was quite a interesting with many things happening on a day that happens only once a year.

Well, for one I broke someone's slipper. -_-"

Funny really. She's a junior in my college (name's XW for short) and I was supposed to pass her something from Masanino that I forgot to bring on many occasions. It so happened on that one day I brought the stuff I was supposed to pass to XW.

Met her, and told her to follow me to my car cos I put the stuff in there. I placed my hands on her shoulders and turned her around and as she began to walk I stepped on the heel area of her slippers as she lifted her feet, causing weight there. She walked and snap, the strap broke... -_-"

So I told her I'd get her a new pair. Thus went on a lil shopping trip and am now RM25 poorer. T_T

Oh well, you don't get that everday. XD

Side from that, had a long critic and lecture bout my design that I felt so lifeless. I had misunderstood the character I was supposed to design and thus designed him wrongly. X_x

- now listening to "Anata Nashide Ikite wa Yukenai" by Berryz Koubou and "Neboru Desu Date Nanoni" by Morning Musume -

Quite alot to swallow but after that had a class discussion bout the lecturers we were supposed to beware of in the digital animation department, sum college happenings and industry dynamics. Enlightening really.

And when everyone left I had a deep one to one talk with the lecturer. I think I spent a good 1 hour jes talking to her bout personal stuff. I asked her bout myself and what she saw in me, my persona. She's a good judge of character and anything or anyone who can help me discover more bout myself is always a welcome element in my book.

She told me many things, among them being that I had a problem with confidence which was SO true. >_>"

To let go...another element that she brought up which I had to agree as well. I've had that many times from me mom when I had talks with her.

Fear of becoming like my dad was something I brought up and the fact that it's so hard to be aware when the negative side comes out. She said not everyone has that awareness but everyone will get there. It takes time and this time is very different for each individual. Tis a Buddhist belief as well that awareness is important but self awareness is no easy task and many take many reincarnations to achieve it. U hu hu hu... T_T

- now listening to "Tearing Up My Heart" by N'Sync and "The Gifted People" by Dagda -

Sides that, it just so happens that my relatives came to visit, right on the very day as well. O_o

So I had a choir singing for me.

*Curls into a ball of emberassment*

Well, not so much a ball. I was cool bout it. Lol. Funny how I din feel emberrassed that much. Lol.

On a down not, not so much a down for me but a down for the overall day progress, as I was waiting to pick my sis up from the LRT ( Light Railway Transit ) station, I bought a burger at a nearby stall. At that time someone was examining his motorcycle nearby. I heard from burger stall owner later that that guy's bike got attacked by bike thieves. I think the ignition was gone or something. Not too sure bout it.

Man, waddup with these thieves and low-lifes man. Not too long ago my sis had her cellphone stolen. And that cellphone wasn't even worth stealing. Sheez. Wth is indeed wrong with these people. -_-"

Neways, time flew and today came while yesterday entered the stream of history in my lifeline.

Another year older. Just how fast does time fly. I mean, I can still remember the beginning of this year man, and now the end of the year is approaching so damn fast.

Is the earth spinning faster?

I had this theory once that it was indeed revolving much faster than normal.

- now listening "Aisuru Hito no Namae wo Nikki ni" by Berryz Koubou -

And at a speed that we humans can't keep up to. I wonder how would our evolution be like then? Would we be able to keep up in time with it if this were so?




We're Running Outta Time!

Neways, my entry ends here for today. May all have happiness always. =)


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- now listening to "Ohiru No Kyuukei no Jikan" by Berryz Koubou -

Tis now nearing 2 am in the morning. U hu hu hu...

Ok...I'm currently hooked to this word. "U hu hu hu".

A new way to laugh, taught to me by someone from me forum. >_>"

Neways, life I feel as of late has turned rather monotonous, scripted, ordered...routine even. Tis been this flat line of events.

Well, of cos save for the occasional ups and downs here and there and most perhaps almost everywhere. More downs though, what with me dad being highly volatile as of late. >_>"

- now listening to "Seishun Amigo" by Yamashita Tomohisa and Kazuya Kamenashi and "Captain Nemo" by Sarah Brightman -

Currently I've been having heavy assignments on my hands. The commencement of the final project has started and I've got so much to do.

I've questioned myself though whether am I doing the right thing. Cos I seem to be groaning and moaning more than I enjoy doing what I'm doing. Hmmm...

I dunno, it jes doesn't have that zing. That thing that keeps the ideas a-coming. Then again, maybe tis jes cos I'm slugging around like an over-used slave of the industry. >_>"

But oh well, got workload to cope with. And yet lacking the motivation and drive. That's bad combo no?

Oh well, on the brighter side, me and the wife and kids are doing fine. XD

Ha ha ha. Well, my hopefully-to-be wife and want-to-adopt kids.

Everyday, the more I see em the more the heart gets melted and me gut having this fuzzy feeling. Lol. XD

- now listening to "Ai No Tane" by Morning Musume -

Me bro currently is playing FF12. The game looks good, with its new concept of combining many elements from previous FF's. And the design, my gawd the design. Pure visual pleasure.

I've yet to start on Okami too. Another example of beautiful and pleasing eye candy. The visuals are just beautiful and it's a game brimming with Japanese traditional culture. The visuals, the elements...and the MUSIC! GAWD THE MUSIC!

Such spleandour pleasures for the ears. I can just relax listening to the beautiful sounds.

I've yet to embark on the beautiful journey. DoTA as of the current moment has dominated my mind, heart and soul. Tis like this one creature that consumes me. A game per day makes the doctor go away for me. Lol.

Chatting as normal, discussions for the well being of the forum going ok.

Tis amazing being in a forum going dynamic for the moment. So many kinds of people, so many kinds of personas, so many kinds of things going on beyond your current horizons. Tis like a collective of personalities, waiting to be tapped and to educate on so many types of cultures and beliefs and practices and what-not.

- now listening to "Shiroi Tokyo" by ZYX -

Tis amazing to see how people can be united and diplomatic when all have one destination and one way to go.

Although some seem to go overboard and some have neither a drop nor a shred of clue of their very actions.

You know tis like you walk down this corridor filled with people and everyone's staring daggers at you so intensely you'd think you're gushing blood all over. But these kinda people as mentioned above, they are oblivious to those kind of daggers. Tis amazing really considering how old they are.

Then of course you've got the wild, and the uberly crappy (crappy being funny) and uberly genki. So much energy contained in youth.

And tis amazing to see how open and yet closed sum mindsets are. Open on some points and closed on others.

- now listening to “Last Christmas” by Beatles and “Falling Angel” by Chris Phillips -

To dwell within a fantasy. And to fall down that Rabbit Hole so so deeply. To go so deep you can't even see the light from the top where you came in.

Why is it that I fall into a fantasy? Why is it that I want to dance on the fields of flowers coloured on a fantasy book? Why is it that I want to lie cuddled in the floating cradle in space?

Why is it that I dwell within the unreal...and yet want to stay there?

I do have a strong grasp of reality, so strong it hurts just holding it. Maybe perhaps that's the reason why. Reality hurts for reality is truth, what it is and what you see is what you get...or should I rephrase it? What you don't want to see is nevertheless what you'll get.

Fantasy, a realm of yearn and desires and where all things are possible. The intangible becomes the tangible, the untouchable touchable, the ethereal material and the impossible possible.

A place of happiness, a place only found in the infinite human playground that is the mind.

Sometimes, no wait...most of the time, I've always wondered about those who are deranged / crazy / delusional. What do they see that we don't? What do they feel that we don't? What do they hear that we don't?

What is is that they experience that we are unable to?

It is not real for us but for them, it is as real as pain itself. Sometimes I wonder whether they see not only what their mind projects but also what it is that is truly there but we can't see.

Spirits, divines...all things supernatural and such.

I do wonder sometimes. To lose grasp of the product of all experiences gained from the moment of your birth, I feel the mind reverts to a state of complete innocence once again.

Like a sheet of paper, holy and innocent white, that had been tainted by all things, but now given the chance within its current lifetime to be cleared clean.

The difference though is the hidden experiences gained in that individual. Come to think of it, where does those experiences go to? It can't just disappear into thin air just like that.

- now listening to “Toshi Shitsu Taiki” by Berryz Koubou and “Dakishimenaide” by W -

Ah, one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite groups plays, the song that got stuck in my head thanks to it being featured in the BK DVD Mag 7. -_-”

It feels wabi-sabi when I think about it. If I were to go deranged this part of my memories and experience will be sent off to some part of my brain that is hard to access unless I used extreme strong willpower.

And yet, tis like this small piece of heaven in one corner of me.

“There's a piece of heaven in all of us.”

Has a nice ring to it eh?

But neways, back to the topic. What do this group of individuals see? Do they really see things there that aren't seen by our normal mortal eyes?

I believe I've seen this phenomena portrayed many times in movies and such. There prolly is a shred of truth in it, considering how movies are the products of the human experience.

Well, I’m off to concert myself to sleep with Hello Project 2006 Wonderful Hearts Land concert. Will continue this entry.

- now listening to “Ending Theme” from Niea_7 OST –

Ok, tis now nearing 2 in the afternoon the next day. Lol.

I should have woken up earlier but I stayed up watching HPWHL concert. Man, that concert has gotten me hook.

But it was a memorable performance indeed. Konkon’s and Makoto’s graduation was one that left me in tears.

Life always has this effect on you. What touches you is not the situation or event but the experiences coupled with it. The more memories and experiences you have related to the departing subject, the more you feel it in your heart and soul.

I guess tears are a way for you to heal yourself as you adjust yourself to fill in that gap that was left in you.

Goodbyes I guess are always the hardest and it definitely gets burned into your mind, the amount of burn depending on how deep your relationship with that departing person is.

I think I just had a stroke of déjà vu. Lol.

Neways, a beautiful concert and well done as well. Picture perfect never felt so perfect until this concert.

I grew up with MM’s Konkon and Makoto’s generation. I went through the phases of not knowing who was who to knowing them so well enough they were a part of my life. Sighs…goodbyes will be goodbyes indeed.

To touch someone’s heart is a powerful act indeed. One can indeed change the world just by being connected to its people.

The perks of charisma. To have high charisma is to have the higher upper hand in being able to reach out to people.

I just typed a long commentary of it and posted it up in the forum. Lol. I just had to speak my mind of a beautiful con.

And to see Taka Ai crying, that really got to me. Not just cos I’m a Taka Ai fan but also cos I felt the strong bonds between her and Konkon and Mako. Seeing that bond between the members of the same gen really got to me. I felt the strong ties. It was as though I was a part of that bond, as though I was the one who grew up side by side with them. Mebbe tis just me. I dunno. =P

Hmmm, so far H!P has been quite a big part of me if not DoTA. The human can’t let go of a source of happiness.

A person once said that our true nature is to seek happiness. Tis in our soul. And we want that happiness to last forever since a soul never dies but lasts an eternity.

Currently wondering how to save cash to get two PBs.

- now listening to “Eternal” by F-R-E-U-D –

A PB with BK and C-ute together in it. >_<”

The queen, the princess and the daughters are in there. Nyaaars… T_T

And then there’s the heartmelting Risako solo PB… >_<”

Omg omg omg…hearts a-melting again… X_x

Although I did pay a visit to Kino and I couldn’t find it. Hasn’t arrived yet. T_T

Mebbe I might need to go order it or something… >_>”

When I have the cash that is… =.=”

Oh well.

Neways, my entry ends here for now. Currently the brain works are in the frits. Haven’t been inspired nor have I found anything that allowed the brain juices to be churning out thoughts.

Very unlike of me…I hope I’m not screwed by being dipped into this pool of monotony of life like a frigging teabag with a string. -_-“

Well, may all have happiness and inspirations. =)


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- now listening to ‘Today Is My Birthday’ by Berryz Koubou –

Today, the music is rather contradicting to what happened in actual events. The day is currently Saturday 26th of August but this entry will feature a written entry chronicled on Tuesday the 22nd.

22nd :

I sit and write this entry, awaiting as time slowly ticks away. Tis a hot evening, with an occasional breeze blowing now and then.

As I write I’m sitting outside my uncle’s house in Johor.

The songs of prayer chants play as I await the person who’s going to conduct the funeral. Yes, one of my relatives just passed away yesterday (21st).

It was more a surreal moment actually. Time seemed to stop yesterday when I received the call through my cell phone regarding the news. It wasn’t so much as me suddenly missing my relative but instead realising my mortality.

- now listening to ‘Fighting Pose Wa Date Janai (instrumental)’ by Berryz Koubou and ‘Love To See You Cry’ by Enrique Iglesias –

And it felt surreal seeing how everyone else in the lab was going around with their business as if nothing happened, just like it was another ordinary day. I didn’t tell them of course, but instead, tried to imagine being in their shoes and someone else in mine. And it was indeed really bizarre and surreal.

Imagine walking down the street and the very person you passed by just had his / her relative pass away or something disastrous just happened. Perhaps tis nothing really, but it did hit me with the bullet of surrealism.

And also, hearing such news, I never felt more mortal in my life. As if this fragile bag of flesh and bone can wither away anytime. Not that I’m constantly afraid of death. Death to me is a rest from so much mortal hardships and suffering. But I only want to go when I’m in the mood for it. Lol.

Sound funny no? But yeah. No one wants to suddenly go when they don’t want to now do they? Lol.

- now listening to ‘Zanarkand Blitzball Theme’ by Rammstein from FF10 OST –

Well, I mean in the sense that I do have moments when I get so tired of life that rest feels good. Of course I ain’t suicidal. Just that at that moment, a rest feels really good.

I dun do suicides so no worries. Lol. I still wanna die in my sleep, a peaceful departure u know? Lol.

Back to today. You know, now as I think bout it, I think I had many close encounters with death in my past before. I used to have asthma and I now recall actually lying in my bed, suffocating from short of breath.

I now remember thinking that I was indeed going to die cos it felt my chest being gripped by some damn invisible hand. Even my tubuhalers (inhalers shaped like tubes) didn’t do anything. It just felt that tight chest feeling even after taking several puffs.

But for some reason I tried to prevail with that lil amount of air and here I am today. With no need of inhalers anymore. Tis like I overcame asthma. Asthma was like a mortal virus to me. No cure but to prevail through it. Come to think of it, I now feel the breath going through my nose, and realise that we take breath for granted. I feel more alive.

- now listening to ‘Bardig’ by Lab 4 –

I never found this event something to be sad about. It was more of an awakening. To me, my philosophy is that people come and people go. Death is inevitable, a definite a facet of life one goes through, an element coupled with birth.

Sometimes I did wonder why people are so afraid of death. I mean, death as in general. Death as a whole. Let’s not get into details, details being how the death occurred but instead death itself.

Tis rest for me…

Perhaps tis the pain? Perhaps tis the fear of letting go of so many things?

Hmmm…there’re so many reasons but only one ultimate truth. Death is death. But tis rest I believe.

I never viewed it as a bad thing actually. What’s bad bout rest when the time to rest comes to you? The only wish I have though is that it be as peaceful a departure as possible, a sleep departure?

But you know, my sis did ask me before how I would wanna go.

My answer was simple as I thought of Chinami. Well, I have this dream of marrying someone like Chinami or better yet, Chinami herself, as long as she is indeed who she is portrayed in the media.

If I were to go first, I’d do my best to stay alive, stay alive until it was my wife’s time to go. Then I’ll let go together with her as we lie in bed during our final days.

If she were to go first, then when my time comes I’ll let go as well. Basically I won’t leave her alone. This goes for me kids if I were to have any. I won’t leave them alone until they are able to stand on their own and have partners.

- now listening to ‘Zanarkand Ruins’ from FF10 OST –

Well neways, as of current moment I’m sorta free. The final assignment has been handed up and I’m finally officially on holiday. Sadly though, the holiday is shortened for this term so next week is one more week of holiday. Sheez. -_-“

Currently I’m letting my work computer render for a friend of mine. He needed me help and I’m more than willing to help. Just awaiting for it to complete.

Spent the day today playing DoTA games with him.

Hmmm, I’m hoping I’m able to come up with some designs for him as well, and perhaps some animation practices.

And oh yes, still gotta do wallpapers, especially a Chinami one. Perhaps some banners as well and a sig. Lol.

I do have my hands full after all. XD

And my Saki story put on hiatus…don’t know where to restart it up. Perhaps to rewrite a new one since I wrote the fanfic back then based on limited information of her. As of late, after watching their DVD Mags, talks, PV’s and such, I’ve got more info to work on.

I did realise after all how shallow the story flow was. More research needed.

- now listening to the ‘Belle of Atlantis’ by Solar Quest and ‘Warrachaou Yo Boyfriend’ by Berryz Koubou –

You know, a question popped up into my mind. Oh btw, can’t help thinking of Chinami’s face in Warrachaou Yo Boyfriend. She’s so adorably cute…God, heartmelting.

Neways… XD

A question popped into my mind. Tis said that when you die, you see a light. Head towards that light (don’t mind me, the funeral brought up this question to mind). Some people get left behind because they didn’t go towards the light.

My father told me that and he got that from spiritual guidebooks. I asked him why some people then get left behind and become wandering spirits. I mean, that’s a light that I’m sure you can’t miss at all. So why not go to it?

My dad said those who didn’t go are those who didn’t know what significance that light had and was. Lack of knowledge and ignorance the cause…

Hmmm. Perhaps so. But I did have some theories as well.

Perhaps they were afraid if it…as a result of ignorance. They prolly thought it was a light of harm?
Or perhaps they had unfinished business or were really reluctant to leave behind something, that being quite a common case you hear and watch on the movie screens.

What do you think? What is your take on it?

But hmmm. I picture myself a floating soul, and I can see a bright light. And I try to imagine having the chains of things left behind. Can I really turn my back to it and head towards the light?

- now listening to ‘Chokkan Ji Toshite Koi Wa’ by Morning Musume ‘Koi Ing’ by Morning Musume -

Man, I try to imagine trying to go forward, and my heart is being tugged for it wouldn’t let go of that which I have to leave behind in the mortal realm. And yet, heaven has it all.

You know, come to think of it, why indeed can’t we let go? I mean, the light leads us to heaven. And heaven has everything we could ever want and more. So why can’t we leave behind one small element in comparison to the infinite elements including that one element we’re leaving behind found in heaven?

One thought that crossed my mind was faith and belief. One couldn’t leave behind something that was tangible, or was tangible when he/she was alive. One couldn’t leave behind something that they have already touched because they know that it is indeed there and they had experienced it. I guess they are unsure and have doubts if heaven could truly give them what they were going to leave behind. Or perhaps they couldn’t trust heaven since it was something they never experienced in their living mortal life and perhaps they think tis just a story made up by their individual religions to keep them practicing and following that religion. Death is quite a big change in one’s life, even bigger than marriage and such. You tend to question a lot at that moment. After all, such an event is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that has no turning back (unless you are indeed given a 2nd chance or more in life) and an eye opener…

- now listening to ‘Wakkanai Z’ by C-ute and ‘When You’re Looking Like That’ by Westlife -

Or perhaps tis just the feeling of not wanting to release one’s grip on the fruits of one’s labour? Perhaps he/she feels that the object or subject left behind is one gained through so much hard work and effort it’ll be a waste to let it go.

My cousin who’s married said it was too soon for my relative to leave. So perhaps tis time as well that can be added to the list of reasons. Too soon, too early, too fast, too sudden. Too many things planned for the future, too many things wanting to be done.

Not wanting to leave someone is quite a common reason. Although I had this theory that one needn’t worry or be sad bout departures and I’m meaning the one who’s deceased. I have this belief that heaven is eternal, and time has no permission to play in that realm, thus one goes to heaven and what takes years in the mortal realm is only a second in heaven. Reunion will happen so fast one wouldn’t even know it. That’s my theory of course.

- now listening to ‘As For One Day’ by Morning Musume and ‘Hajimete Kuchibiru Wo Kasaneta Kare’ by Risako Sugaya -

Well, my entry ends here for today. I apologise for bringing up talks of death and goodbyes. It was just that many theories filled my mind from the recent events that I couldn’t help speaking em out.

Neways, may all have happiness always.

I am though, in heaven at the moment as I listen to the angelic voice of Risako Sugaya. Floating down the river of dreams and all things gentle to the heart.

Neways, ja ne.


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- now listening to 'Joshi Basket bu ~ Asaren Atta Hi no Kamigata' by Berryz Koubou -

Ar...tis been a while since I last updated me bloggy. Tis currently now a little pass 1am in the morning and in the midst of multitasking (typing this entry while handling bout 2 or 3 forums at a go XD).

Hmmm...

Many things have happened as of late, some interesting, some hmmm...and some annoying in a blatant way.

Well, college has actually been quite a burden. Strange how one is kept really busy even with lessened subs. Oh well.

But I guess I learned something, even though as always at the last minute, bout certain things.

Have you ever been in a situation where sometimes you placed your loyalty in something you believe is worth following? Only to find out it was a choice that brings you nothing but a whole lotta bad mojo?

- now listening to 'From The Inside' by Linkin Park -

Well, I sorta walked down that path again. Tis scary how these paths always seem to be as hidden as your best kept secret. How you don't realise it until the very last minute.

Well, I had the opportunity to see a person in action. Two to be exact. One a sorta butt kisser type person and the other a blind floating person that has little to no sense of direction in choices and personality. Where to begin?

Tis amazing sometimes the closer you are to someone you are given the front-row-seat opportunity to see some people in action. I had such good seats at seeing such a person. Tis amazing how that person can smile at you and talk to you just so that person can get a favour from you.

From something as minor to getting a ride to something as major as manipulation, tis amazing how one can blatantly do it. Perhaps tis in that person's nature cos sometimes I think this person doesn't even know his/her action. But then again, perhaps it was intentional.

- now listening to 'Kiss From A Rose' by Seal -

Tis been a while since I heard this song. Neways...

When you are of no use to such a person you are literally discarded. Not to mention this person actually says it in your face.

Sure, you know he/she is joking but when you consider his/her words and notice the actions following the speech, you realise that those said words have much more truth than you could imagine.

I've felt used and manipulated but I guess I was just nice enough to keep it to myself. But I guess after a certain incident that person threw away my niceness. Sorta refreshing and a good dose of awakening. I somehow actually felt more freedom as I started to initiate my plan, to step away from such a person.

Well, you're a power hungry person. I'm not giving you the luxury of gaining power over me.

But I pity your victim. Which brings me to the second archetype, the blind floating person that has little to no sense of direction in choices and personality.

Well, this person for one has very little to no respect towards me. Well, tis normal I guess since I'm not one to be such a butt kisser or manipulator but a truthful and perhaps blunt in a majority of times kinda person.

- now listening to 'Barbarian' by Dagda -

Strange how some songs take the right words out of your mouth? Well, I would say this blind floating person is quite barbaric. Well he is rather. Kinda short on the manners and sometimes I must say intelligence.

The lamest of comments and worse of all, when couple with a manipulator persona, makes for the best combination of master and slave.

I'm thinking scrawny scrooge type person with a big burly tick ridden dog on a spike leash. How's that for imagery?

It sometimes amazes me how this blind floater is so rude and disrespectful to me but so sweet talking to the manipulator cos the manipulator pulls the right strings. I sometimes wonder am I the only one who can see this?

- now listening to 'Christmas Pittari Shitai' by Ogawa Makoto, Koharu Kusumi and Yurina Kumai from H!P Wonderful Hearts Concert OST -

I'm like thinking, erm, silly floater, you do know the manipulator's playing you around to get favours from you?

It can even be seen in some other aspects. So so so much blatant that tis nauseating.

I'd say more, but I don't wanna give away identities now do I? A erm, secrecy must be kept you know.

But annoying it is. Oh well. Neways, events have indeed opened my eyes. I'm sorta feeling a sense of freedom. Tis strange how there was a certain amount of dependancy but once you stepped out of the shadows you feel so much freedom. Sure, there're difficulties handling the new situation. But I believe I can manage.

I wanna start anew again. I'm always on the lookout for a fresh start. Never ending. Each start a new adventure and lesson learned. A turn on the crossroad, a new path, and my back turned to a dirty road left behind.

I find things that truly mean to me and I cherish em more. I mean, I do cherish them before such turn of events but now as I take a new path I cherish them even more. And I think I'm starting to learn to steer away from certain things that can prove destructive to me. I need to really step out of the darkness. Don't worry, it ain't drugs or smoking or anything bad. Just a bad habit in need of squelching and ridding.

- now listening to 'Lose One's Illusions' from Star Ocean OST and 'Love Machine' by Morning Musume -

Gawd, tis really amazing how my music reads me. The name says it all. To step away from the mirages that will keep me rooted and move on to find the oasis.

I still remember how that manipulator bugs me to do things that are beneficial only to him/herself. How such a person is the embodiment of selfishness and a symbol of disregard for the welfare of others. I remembered so many words that person said that brought a feeling of disgust to my gut.

What goes around come around my man. Just you wait. I await your punishment. I'm not one to be mean but on several occasions, current events making it all the more comment, I do wish to just look down on you and gloat and your suffering.

- now listening to 'Ambient Wonder' from HALO OST and 'Faint' by Linkin Park -

There's just so much suffering you deserve. And that floater, I pity you for not being able to wake up and have a personality of your own and find a right direction. Well, I won't say I'm a certain path myself but at least I do ask questions and hope to find it and am always on the lookout. You just erm...stay a stone where you are...sadly...

Well, that aside.

Lately, I've been given the opportunity to meet up with a Japanese girl of 18 years of age. Tis actually rather refreshing and interesting. Cos as you can see, I've 'grown up' on the cliche of Japanese girls, blinded by the media. This girl was very different. She was quiet and composed and giving many wrong impressions. You can't read her mind and figure out her true personality and she's no talker. Well, extremely quiet to a point you'd think she had no use of a mouth.

I always had this impression that Japanese girls were of a certain archetype range : genki, kakkui, scary, shy, reserved. That sorta cliche's. Teaches you that you can't trust the media.

It was scary meeting this particular Japanese girl cos she's sorta like the local girl in my town. Just that she speaks Japanese, is more reserved and sure as hell pretty. =3

But that's upon one look on the outside. Look closely and you can see that she is a hard book to open and decipher. You don't know what's on her mind but she is wise and has several cogs working in there head of hers.

- now listening to 'Dudu Dudu' by Tarkan and 'Hero Overture' from Hero OST -

Btw, how rude of me. Bad intros. Her name's Hiiko and I have to say her name's as pretty as she is. Sighs...

You wouldn't believe the amount of guys trying to talk to her. XD

Well, I'm just playing my cool, putting my philosophy of know the person first. Had too many experiences with wrong personality archetypes breaking my heart.

But as I said, refreshing indeed. A new leaf from the tree of knowledge. I have to thank her when I get the chance. She enlightened me more at how close we can be in terms of personalities even though we are separated by the vast sea. Tis strange indeed how familiar she can be. She really is at moments like the local girl.

- now listening to 'Cloud Number Nine' by Brian Adams and 'Himawari' by Magna Canta -

Well, also I've been meeting up with a fren to have an exchange of media. Lol.

Thanks for the H!P files. X3 arigato ne. Sorry if I couldn't burn any. I'll try getting Airi and my daughter's vid up for ye. XD

Okay...a lil steer of the road for a while...

MAI IS SO CUTE!!! KYAAA!!!! XD XD XD

Ha ha, to the person who exchanges H!P stuff with me, you know who I'm talking about. I wanna be with my daughter. T^T

*is on a strong urge to pamper Mai so much*

Well, speaking of H!P I was on a H!P outting just recently. Tis in this outting that another example of the ever interesting dual personality in someone can be seen. Tis amazing how a person is different in real life as compared to when he/she is online. It just is so different tis like two sides of a coin.

The people I was out with, according to me fren who shared H!P media with me, were supposed to be really noisy and such. But meeting them up in person I had quite a shock. They were really quiet. Well, perhaps tis cos tis the first time we met. But oh well, I was just being myself even for first times. So I was sorta the noisiest person there. XD

I realised I love to speak my mind. I can't bear not to say something. There's always feedback coming from me and if tis a topic I do not know of, then my curiosity takes over and questions pop out instead.

Sorta always on a constant search for knowledge and sharing ideas as well. I don't force it down ppl's throat though like some who I know that do. Quite annoying actually that one. I just speak my mind, say out what pop in my head, whether people wanna take not tis up to them. But I do appreciate a good discussion. =3

- now listening to 'Cruising Together' by Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis -

Hmmm...

College, life...oh yes.

Visiting Berryz Koubou and H!P forums. A sorta daily practice.

And of course, Waracchaou yo Boyfriend, the Gawd-sent Berryz Koubou 11th Single. Watching the PV brings a melter to the heart. Always gets to me. Gah... X_x

Watched it just now and melted. Of course putting Semi on did the same thing as well. I just sank to my butt at the sight of Risako and clawed at the door when Chinami came up. Lol.

But Waracchaou, definite heart melter for the cute lover. Gawd they are so cute.

KYYYYAAAA!!!!! XD

Apparently my H!P media fren says I can get away with KYA and NYA and any fangirl sounds. XD ha ha ha. That's good I think... ^^"

Well neways, my entry ends here for now. May all have happiness and a clear path in life. And definitely steer clear of manipulators and floaters who bring you down.


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- now listening to 'Hyokkori Hyoutanjima' by Morning Musume -

It's now 5.26 am. Once again, I'm back to my nocturnal roots. Lol.

This period of time between this post and the previous has been quite a period of many things. So many things happening.

For one, Maya is hard to handle for me. I still haven't had the right mindset to solve most of the technical problems within. Gah, I'm really starting to miss 2D. >_<”

Aside from that, still on a Hello Project high and prolly will remain that way for a long time to come. XD I just finished collecting a whole bunch of pics and some vids. More vids still in the process of being d/l'ed. Can't wait for the arrival of it. X3

- now listening to 'Complicated' by Avril Lavigne -

And speaking of Hello Project, I'm proud to announce that I'm a proud owner of two official Hello Project merchandise. X3

They are two photobooks (PB for short). One is Takahashi Ai's Wata-ame and the other is Berryz Koubou's Switch On! Concert PB.

These are the pics :

Berry Koubou's PB





Takahashi Ai's PB





And of course, the bombastic price tag. But it's worth it. X3



Also, I’m currently in the process of writing a fanfic featuring Berryz Koubou's captain Saki chan. Still a work in progress so hontoni gomen to the one who's waiting for its arrival. >_<”

I'll try to finish it ASAP.

Well, all in all, life's been pretty so so and normal. Waking up early to send my sis around, catching up with college assignments, trying to complete my Hello Project projects. XD

As I sit and type my sis works hard on her project as well. Hopefully she gets to finish her final project.

- now listening to 'Anata Nashi De Wa Ikite Yukenai' by Berryz Koubou -

I shake my head to this funky beat and what a beat it is.

Lately I feel as though time is running shorter and shorter. I actually have this very theory that the earth is spinning faster and faster, accelerating the time flow that our vessels are chosen to go with.

Well, it is a pretty far fetched idea, but I just feel that the day flies by too fast. Tis like I can never seem to find enough time to really finish doing or completing something. Either that or our time is normal but just taken up by so many other things.

Kind of restricting and definitely imposing on one's time, consuming it. It's quite an ironic thing isn't it? Paradoxical even.

We are beings that are community based. We live in a life where we rely upon each other in a community (except for those who decide to de-attach from such a system). And yet we want our freedom as well, and when one depends and is being depended upon, there will be the problem of time consumption. One will consume another's time and vice versa. And yet we want the freedom and the time to do what we please. But when we do so, we do it at the expense of another's source of time to do what he or she pleases.

It feels like a chain reaction gone extreme when one things of how this act of time consumption spreads out from one source. It's an exponential result. And now we have our society, rarely or barely having ample time for one's self unless he or she manages his or her time to the fullest. Kind of tiring.

Won't it be nice to be within an existence where such a freedom and ample amount of time is there without any use of energy just to maintain it?

- now listening to 'Lay Your Hands' by Simon Webbe -

Time is so precious. It's amazing how it is like a cocoon and we're the little being inside it. Or a jar and we're the tiny fish inside it. It has us within its grasp, we're in a cage that can affect us and we can't even touch or see it but instead only begin to imagine what it is and how it might be shaped like if put in a tangible form. Not a watch that you wear, but its purest form.

Ever wondered how time would actually look like if it were to be given a form and shape? What manner of bizarre existence would it be? It's so powerful because it can determine life and death itself. And perhaps choose to put us on a standstill to either admire us or laugh at how our lives are.

I wonder what it would be like to come into contact with time? Would it be like touching God?

There's a saying by many spiritual people that touching God will make you end up in flames. Our vessel of protein and of God-make is so frail and fragile in comparison to the omnipresence of the Mighty One. Such is His power.

Perhaps that is why fire is so symbolic and powerful in spirituality. The symbol of destruction? Or is it the symbol of life? Because as said above, one gets engulfed in flames when in contact with God. God is life after all since He can give it. Tis like a nuclear reactor I guess. Giving us the ability to operate but within it contains such a force that we can't begin to handle in our mortal forms.

- now listening to 'Martial Law' from Final Fantasy 8 OST -

Thinking of fire somehow brings to my mind a coin. Everything is like a coin. Everything is two sided.

Black and white, day and night, rain or shine, cold and hot.

Even the law of paradox shows how two sided many things can be, both the material and the abstract. What is up with two anyway? What's so nice about two?

Perhaps that is why we humans always seek to be a pair. And as the famous saying goes. Two is a company, three is a crowd. It kinda denotes that two is better than three, for most cases anyways.

Of course three isn't so bad a number. But two seems to be a number used in many situations and seems to be the stabiliser of situations. A balance.

Another phrase came to mind.

'Middle can't live without the two sides' – Eug -

I just realised now how powerful two can be. Without two points there can't be a middle.

- now listening to 'The Magic Will Return' by Lingua Mystica -

The middle path I guess is perhaps the ultimatum point of stability? One can't dwell on one extreme end. The scales will tip and chaos ensues.

Giving and taking somehow now takes on a new meaning as I think about it more. Think of oneself as a scale and you're the very middle point. You have to take some weight from left and give to the other and vice versa. Kind of tiring come to think of it.

No wonder those who choose the middle path have to go through quite a lot. It's so much easier to choose a side than to be neutral.

Suddenly I feel like a United Colonial Space Marines from the Xenomorph universe.

'Whoever wins, we lose' - Aliens vs Predator tag line -

Speaking of space, I've also been involved with Star Wars Republic Commando. Gawd I love that game. The beauty of picture perfect coordination.

Actually, as I ponder I realised that the Commando squad was deadly not because they went by numbers (four isn't exactly a big number). It was the ability to become united and be a bigger thinking being, all parts bound, tied and connected by perfect coordination, teamwork and timing.

It was amazing how 4 different personalities were like one when together. I mean, they are clones but with very different personalities nonetheless. I actually consider them each different individuals than 4 beings of same mind coming from the same parent. It was like clockwork, one being one part of the time teller and another being another. The clock looks like a one piece item but in reality in consisted of many parts all working synonymously and in synch with each other. One wrong offset, one lagging, one going too fast...spells disaster.

There was a theory that a hive mentality for human beings will result in peace. Chaos ensued because we as humans are such invidualistic beings in a community based society. Strange isn't it?

The plethora of thoughts and persona give rise to variety and spice of life. But on the other hand it was also the perfect recipe for chaos and disorder. Paradoxical indeed. We just can't seem to live without the other. We want a 'rainbow-coloured' life and not something bland and monotonous. And yet we want peace in our lives instead of total chaos.

- now listening to 'Secret Base' by ZONE -

It's now 1.26 pm the next day. No, I'm not crazy that I stayed up until then.

I just woke up not long ago after having quite a medley of a dream. Perhaps it was obsession or just the plain fact that I was watching the Special Generation PV the night before, but I dreamt of Momoko chan and I think Miyabi chan, both together as one person. I think there was Yurina as well amidst that person. Strangely though, no Risako. No!!! T^T

Strange it was that there could be this one person that was a blend of so many people. It was like when I was talking to Momoko suddenly the scene shifts and even though I have my eye on her, when she turned around she was suddenly another person.

But it was a beautiful dream. Not because I was with 3 Berryz singers (well, that’s a plus though XD) but because there was this one part in the dream where I was at Momoko’s porch. I looked up and the scene of the night sky together with the porch ceiling somehow touched my heart. I didn’t know why. It was just at that very moment.

I have this theory though that it was because it was a moment of beautiful scenery coupled with the feeling of having someone so special near you to share that moment. It’s one of those wonderful feelings and one of those ‘feel complete’ feelings. It was a beautiful dream indeed. So for those out there with a special someone, I hope you have many such moments. =)

Perhaps I should turn this dream into a fanfic. I do have alotta ideas and just in need of some time to spice it up. XD

Dun mind the rantings of a Hello Project fan. Rofl. XD

Well, anyways, my entry ends here. May all have happiness and those special moments always. Ja ne. =)


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- now listening to 'Anata Nashi De Wa Ikite Yukenai' by Berryz Koubou -

Well tis been a while. And surprisingly as a first I'm typing this entry at 7.06 in the evening. Quite a first considering I'm the nocturnal bugger.

Well, this is now the third week of college going on. Everything's pretty much settled.

I've got back me car last week. But that is one horrid horror that makes me burn. Sorta brings within me that burning desire to make that 17 year old kid's life a living hell.

Well, hmmm where to start. First of, he's already given me 2 weeks and 6 days worth of inconvenience. Normally, I'd be cool cos as they say, shit happens. But this guy had not a single courtesy to say sorry or admit he was wrong.

And now, the day I get my car back, I find out 2 of my windows and my back wiper are busted. And my radio was freaking ass stolen! >_<"

- now listening to 'Jiriri Kiteru' by Berryz Koubou -

Gawd!

And a stupid fat ass of the person in charge of my car didn't help either. Once a vulture always fat fucking vulture. He was like a damn vulture when my car was busted during that faithful day (coming in out of nowhere and shoving his damn business card up my nose) and the same fat ass that can't get his ass of his seat (as though his butt was glued to his seat) and take responsibility for my car radio being stolen when my car was under his supervision for repairs.

Well, after much pushing and complaining he did replace my radio, for a more shitty ones. A gawdy neon light 'analogue' (I repeat ANALOGUE) tuner radio. Gawd, my old radio was digital man and he gave me this piece of shit. Oh well, at least it had an audio jack so on the bright side I'm now listening to Hello! Project songs in me car through me MP3 player plugged into it.

- now listening to 'Neboru Desu Date Nanoni' by Morning Musume -

And I just had to pay half of the intended price for such MP3 playing capability. If my original radio was there (and this radio I still love mind you and am still missing it XP), I had to spend RM30 something to listen to MP3. Well, now with a cable, I get to listen for a mere RM14.

At least there's some good I guess. But crap man. I sent my car to fix my windows, I was forced to sit there like a dumbass for 2 hours I reckon cos the damn mechanic didn't tell me he was taking my car to the damn wiring shop for repairs. Fine. It came back, my windows work but my back wiper is still busted, my car can't spray water for the front wipers and my lights, when turned on, emitted a buzzing sound louder than a damn dildo energised with a power plant.

I actually had to go by myself back to the damn shop to get this shitty prob rectified. Fine. Went there, they did sum jackshit of workmanship and now my air cond can't shut off. Sheez.

Talk bout horrid workmanship.

An advice to all, don't ever let insurance companies do the payments for repairs. Apparently, and I know for sure, my windows were busted after that accident. Sadly, the damn insurance bastards ain't gonna issue money as long as they don't see a damn crack on the window even though they are gone due to the crash. Fucktards.

Gah...well, that over...

So far, my car's 2 windows are okay, but the back wiper and water spray and air cond switch is still busted. Shithead service. Sheez. At least the MP3-playing radio helps put a smile.

- now listening to 'Hare Ame Nochi Suki' by Morning Musume Sakura Gumi -

And that MP3 radio is just the tool. The real source for the smile is Hello! Project itself. Arigato ne. *bows*

Well, that aside and speaking of Hello! Project I am still on a high for it. Listening to a good dose of their music everyday. Watched their 2006 Winter Wonderful Hearts Concert bout twice. Might watch it again when I have the mood for it.

One half of Berryz Koubou's 2005 Autumn Switch On! Concert has been completed. Saw the first 2 songs. Gawd they are so cute. >_<"

*hugs em* lol!

- now listening to 'Suggoi Nakama' by Morning Musume -

Well, that aside, college has been another trip of adjustment. I'm now currently taking 3 subs. Life's been pretty hectic still though, what with all the business and stuffz to quickly settle asap.

Soon, everything will calm down. =)

I've got to thank a special person in me college for intro'ing me to a Goddess. Hontoni arigato ne. *big hugs*

Gawd, she's so knowledgable. Gomen for the request. We just keep talking bout the topic everytime we speak. Hontoni gomen. XD

I'll pass her the request asap. Rofl. Hontoni arigato again. X3 *bows*

Lol. XD XD XD

Hopefully to finish my project as well so I can send to her for reading. I sorta had inspiration to write fanfics. XD

- now listening to 'Daite Hold On Me! (N.Y. Mix)' by Morning Musume -

Hmmm, now awaiting a call for dinner with friends.

Life has been quite bearable as I kept it as simple as possible. Reverting back to days of boyish freedom is indeed something quite how would I say, freedom for the wings?

Games and jokes and hanging out, enjoying cuisines and such. Such simple pleasures in life. Sighs... Lol.

As I speak these words I am, as I have many times before, observed just how different I am. I stand upon an extreme end of a spectrum of personalities.

The things I do, the things that interest me, so contrast to what my older self before this one was. But of course, I still managed to retain my self from before. Never too good to totally lose an old self if tis not a bad self. If you have a bad self from before, then by all means purge it asap.

Change is important as long as it's for the better.

Currently having such a strong drive for drawing Hello! Project fanart.

- now listening to 'Yuujou Kokoro No Busu' by Hello! Project stars from 2006 Winter Wonderful Hearts OST -

But gawd, does time do damage. As I picked up my pencil and redraw I can't help but sit back, look at my drawing and say :

GAWD! Do I suck at figures!

I have to revive it again. >_<" especially when I wanna draw the Hello! Project darlings... <3 XD XD XD

Lol.

Well, planning to post a quick incomplete sketch up soon neways.

Speaking of which, might wanna go down to Kinokuniya to see if they have H!P Photobooks there for sale. 8D

Well, I guess my entry ends here for now. Wanna start on typing for the fanfic. =3

May all have happiness always. =)


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- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Semi' -

Tis now 2.30 in the morning. I sit back and type this entry and at the same time, dwell within the emotions that surface in my heart born from this song.

I don't understand how a song can be so beautiful and so powerful and so strong in emotion invoking.

The lyrics of the song speaks of a person caught in between, between the love she misses and the new love found. To be caught in between.

I ponder as I sit and stare at the ceiling.

To be caught in between. I have been in quite a lot of in between situations. Most of the time, a path that I chose to tread upon.

It's so strange. Cos life now seems so surreal. So mixed. So hybrid. So coin-like, two-sided melded into one. That sorta feeling.

At one point life feels so shitty and yet it feels just right. It feels so empty, and yet so fulfilled. It feels so lonely, and yet so complacent and full. I miss a past, and yet I'm happy for the way things turn out.

A paradoxical maelstrome of emotions. And invoked by a song. So beautiful is the song. The tune so melodic and strumming on the strings of emotions.

Tis like you're naked, floating in an ocean, lulled by the sway of gentle currents, asleep, letting the flows carry you around to places unknown.

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Piriri to Yukou' -

Now this song is a total difference in tempo. So upbeat.

I can only smile. Oh well.

I've been hooked up with all things Berryz Koubou and Momusu. Well not surprising since I've just managed to get a hear of Berryz Koubou's Live Tour 2005 as stated above plus several songs that I've been dying to get. Lol.

Tis strange how I'm okay with their songs. Considering how alot of people cringe at their upbeatness, I'm actually pretty at home with it. Heck, I actually welcome it with open hands.

It sorta brings a light to a world gone pessimistic. Or just a world where there is so little meaning to it. Lol.

I am pessimistic you know. Lol. Maybe a little psycho at the sides as well. Who knows? XD

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Yume de Do-Up' -

A slightly easy listening tune this one. Very nice mood. =)

Hmmm. Life without a car has indeed been highly a b*tch. Damn, I missed the freedom of an automobile. Stranded at home ain't good man.

As a person once told me, I need to get out more often. Well, I would if I had the damn car. XD

Stupid 17 year old kid. -______-

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Anshinkan' -

To be stuck in the middle. Neither this nor that. Here nor there. One has two hands, but chose to center the soul in between, to be at the heart.

Surreal isn't it when one thinks about it.

Damn paradoxical mayhem. There's peace within neutrality and yet chaos within the heart in all this blissful peacefulness.

The human is so interesting no?

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Anata nashi de wa ikite yukenai' -

What do you want?!

We've always heard this phrase shouted, asked, brought up, yelled, commented, whispered and many other voice types in movies, real life and all things related to our lives.

I look now at the human that is me. I picture my inner soul stepping out of this vessel, out of this shell, out of this mortal ship of protein, and look at it through the eyes of the soul.

What is it that you truly want? I ask the human that is me.

I just realised just how hard it is to answer that question. Isn't it hard to answer it? Don't you think?

I know what I want! One would say. But is that what you truly want? Will you be complacent with just that? Will you be satisfied? Will you dwell till the end of your days with just that? Will you be able to stay still at that spot and not move an inch? Will you be able to bear seeing it forever till the darkness of death envelopes you?

Wow...I really have no true answer come to think of it now.

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Koi no Jubaku' -

But does one truly have the answer to those questions? Can they dare say the ultimate 'yes' and live up to their word and face whatever the consequences? Do they have the guts to carry such a burden promised by words uttered by their mouths? Do they have the stomach to swallow such a huge challenge?

Thinking about this actually brought to mind some interesting personas. Saying so much but always contradicting themselves.

I smile now as I had when I realised just the power of a phrase that a wise person brought up. Once again the beauty of philosophy. Philosophy speaks the phrases of such divine deep wisdom, words not judged by its literal meaning but the very meaning behind it only felt and seen when coupled together with one's own life experiences and essence of the inner sensitive, awoken and aware self.

"The best answer for any question that can be posed is none other than silence."

I believe this was stated by the famous guru of compassion and love, Sri Sri Ravishankar.

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Special Generation' -

And such a divine saying it is. One just can't fathom how deep and wonderful that phrase is, how so true, how so divinely ultimate and high in the peak of only true answers, that there can be no other way around.

Sure one can try to rebel but truly, one does begin to realise it. Tis okay to rebel against the statement. As the guru has so will all who believe it adopt the smile of patience. It'll come in due time.

"It's like falling in love. You just know it. From balls to bone." - Oracle of the Matrix -

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Yuujou junjou oh seishun' -

It's quite like the Oracle stated actually. Tis indeed a gut feeling sorta thing. You can feel it. You just know it. As deep rooted as instinct, as clear as the ability to think that God has given to humans.

- now listening to Berryz Koubou Live Tour 2005 album song titled 'Berry fields' and 'Bye bye mata ne' -

But you know, to be stuck in the middle. I wonder how was it for Lord Buddha and the middle path. I believed his path was a path of smiles.

Mine is just one of confusion. Lol. I have yet to embrace more truths.

"Knowledge is power."

How so true it is really. The more one learns the more one realises so many things the more one learns to be more at peace actually.

I guess many of us are frantic, insecured or always on the look out, on our toes in this life.

It could be due perhaps to this fact stated by this statement.

"Humans are afraid of things they do not understand."

I wonder is it true? What do you think? But amazing isn't it how that statement tallies together with the statement "Knowledge is power".

Love seeing connections behind the veils. Lol. Oh well. That's me toying around again with life's questions and answers and ultimate truths.

Well, I guess like the song playing now tis time to say goodbye. My entry ends here for now. May all find happiness and may all find truths. =)